Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies. TU, I feel like a total a*s. I am here to learn and I really appreciate your insight and experience. I'm really stubborn and I have a strong reaction when someone challenges my thinking. I am trying to change that. I'm here with an open mind & heart if you feel like you want to add anything.
Okay, so clearly I have a lot more reading & thinking to do on the subject. I guess my next question is, if it's possible to make a once and for all decision to never drink again, why can't you apply the same logic and once and for all decide that your relationship with alcohol is going to be healthy? Does quitting booze become a symbolic act in the end - a message to our f&f that we're never going to "go there" again?
I should say that I don't even want to drink when I'm writing all this - I'm not trying to get through a maze and find the glass of wine at the end. I don't think I even care about drinking anymore, now that I'm really thinking about it.
I was thinking about this all a lot last night, and the thing that kept popping up was... I am really hesitant to say this... but... maybe I don't really believe that I am an addict.
That's not to say that I didn't do some really stupid stuff. That's also not to say it wasn't a good idea to break free of the cycle of sadness and self harm and quit drinking. But, I'm at a point now where I feel like I'm starting to free myself from the demons that led me to use alcohol the way I did, and so I'm wondering if it even matters anymore. I do remember vividly what it was like being stuck in the cycle, so I don't think that's my problem. It's left me with a healthy fear... which is why I haven't tested any of this with a drink. That and I don't really want to drink anyway.
It's just that the more I think about it, the more I can say with confidence that I could never act that way again. I feel like I have gained an awareness of right and wrong, and an appreciation of the beauty of life, and these things just aren't compatible with alcohol abuse and what that means: self harm, hurting those I love, and distancing myself from what's truly important in life.
Good grief, I feel like what I'm describing amounts to a sort of spiritual awakening, so maybe it doesn't even belong in this forum anymore. LOL! But maybe it is, I don't know. Or maybe it's just crazy.