Oh dear Bamboo, your story is so amazingly similar to mine it is as though we are leading parallel lives I swear. Part of me wants to post the romantic love and promises I have received in the last two weeks...I swear you would recognize them.
I think for me part of what is SO SO hard is that when addiction is the main cause of the demise of a love relationship the grief that one experiences is compounded by shame.
Maybe that is why you can speak so openly here? Do you feel as though you can't speak intimately, openly with people in your community because you were "foolish enough to ONCE again go back to an addict?" I think for me the addict part was hard because mine was a "serial relapser"...he doesn't want to be called a crackhead or even an addict. In meetings he was always an "alcoholic". His denial is insane, plain and simple.
The pattern of a "serial relapser" (read: addict) is that there is a certain amount of time (enough) to establish honeymooning romanticism in between the emotional abuse that occurs with each "relapse" (using episode). My strikingly handsome, highly educated, super seductively romantic, "wants to marry me" man is "too good to be true" before he heads out the door to disappear with crack dealers for 1 or 2 or 3 days.
It wasn't Oscar night for me, it was Valentine's. One moment he's there...and the next he is a crack addict.
The shame???
The shame punishes our grief at the loss. It is like a mirror reflection of the Jekyll and Hyde. I love him and am heartbroken...but I punish myself for feeling that way. My inner parent knows EXACTLY all the reasons why I SHOULD not even THINK about him...and my inner parent wants to punish me for even feeling sad at the loss of a huge heart and soul dream that COULD come true if it wasn't for the FECKING TRAGEDY of addiction!
SO that inner parent, and almost every single person in my community, wants to PROTECT me from the ongoing pain of the relapsing relationship. They/I am afraid of my feelings of sorrow and vulnerability because it is the door that opens to the addict/man.
My inner parent wants to protect me and for that reason uses shame and negation of my feelings to try to get me away from the man/addict.
My biggest advice is to find a way to be gentle with yourself, to allow the space to grieve this tragedy.
And...after experimenting with no contact timing...discovered that conversations with him trigger massive emotional waves. I no longer want to subject myself.
I had to make the decision out of love for self, gentle mindful caring for self...rather than shame or punishment for him or me!
Peace and love to you.
Leslie