With love (and some anger), I said I could not live like this anymore, and I won't.
There is your hope ^ you're struggling to find. You loved yourself enough to say no more, and you acted on it. You've started seeing a therapist and that's another piece of hope that came from you.
Please at least consider calling the hotline tjp gave you.
Please be open and honest with your therapist, too. There's a saying that we're only as sick as our secrets, and I believe you're finding out how true that is. I told my therapist one time I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't care if I lived or died. Saying it was freeing, and I found the desire and will to live again, almost as soon as I dumped it on him.
Depression sucks and it can hijack a brain just as easily as a drug.
Prayers for you and yours
