Losingmymisery is right, there is a solution. But it's not in you, otherwise you would have fixed things by now right? I tried a few times alone and it always ended in a long hard relapse. I was very anti-AA, I would basically call myself an atheist, but I gave in and it worked. I'm 9 months sober and feeling great. You sound very intelligent, I think your brain is getting in the way though.