BostonJames

Good evening,

I'll try to be concise, but first a comment. Nothing in this first post should be read to look like gloating or self-importance. I want to keep it concise, and any reference to my "successes" in life should are not meant to be self laudatory. Rather, my fight with alcohol makes me feel like the biggest loser in the world. With that said, I want to make this very concise, so if you can relate, please read knowing I'll keep it brief. Also, I am sure as hell not here for sympathy over life's wrongs. I am the one who is responsible.

I am a 44 year old male who by all appearances has everything. A successful business, a beautiful wife, expensive cars, large home, vacation home on the Gulf of Mexico, etc. No, I am not John D. Rockefeller or Bill Gates, but I've done okay. The fact of the matter is that none of that will amount to much of anything before too long, because my drinking is entirely out of control. I suppose I was predisposed to drinking because of the very boundless energy that brought me success. The mind is always in overdrive. I suppose it's because I have so much energy that I have been able to drink since I was 16, although until my 30 it was always weekend binges.

Cutting to the chase, now I black out drink virtually every time I tough a drop. Full disclosure: I just opened a beer. I am not drunk, as it's the first beer, and I have not had anything to drink in three days.

My behavior has been somewhat erratic. I am well known in social circles, but as my drinking has increased, I have been angry and even been bounced from bars for starting fights. Not so good for the social standing.

I have been to detox twice. The first time, in Feb of last year on a Sunday, feeling better than I had in years, I went to a Superbowl party on got drunk. I "self detoxed" last month by going to my vacation home and eating great, running on the beach, and hitting the gym every night. Felt great....I actually did it! I was drunk a week later.

Excuses for drinking: I can still go to the gym several times a week and bust ass. I can run a 5k. All of the social engagement. And tonight: "No hard liquor or shots, just beer." I cannot go to rehab, because I am the business owner, etc.

The reality: As mentioned, nearly every time I drink, I black out. Badly. The hangovers have been so bad that it is taking three days to feel good again. Being a successful business owner may sound great, and I am not complaining, but it comes with it's own form of Hell: You have employees that answer to you and can cover during binges. In spite of the affect, I cannot stop. Once I take a single sip, I am in for the long haul. Oh, and if you are wondering about how my wife feels, she's an alcoholic too (and one of the best people I've ever met, she's just sick, like me).

I have always been skeptical of AA, in part because of the "higher power" stuff, which I translate to mean that you must believe in Christianity. Don't get me wrong, I am not "anti-Christian," just grew up in a very religious household, and consider myself agnostic I guess. Also, being the Type A that I am, the "powerless" thing is tough for me, in spite of basically just admitting I cannot stop. The problem solver in me wants to believe there is a solution.

Thanks for listening, and this is just my introduction.