Welcome findingallison....You're not alone here...We've all been where we don't want to be...Sounds like you've had enough...I dabbled with coke back in the day...I was lucky enough to part ways with that but continued to destroy my life with alcohol alone...I was a cheap date...I found I couldn't stop on my own...I needed some kind of structured program and to be around people that had recovered....Are you open to doing something like that?