Yes, I think you are being jealous.
Step 8 is:
"Made a list of
all persons we had harmed, and became
willing to make amends to them all." (italics are mine).
Step 9 is:
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Now the 'injure' part has been explained over the years as harming someone with information they did not previously have, ie an affair, etc)
Sounds to me like your ABF is REALLY trying to WORK the program this time.
Am I being overly paranoid/controlling here. Is this really how its done and I need to just be quiet and let it go and let him do his thing?
Yep you are. When I did my first Step 8 and 9, many years ago, I had a 'list' of over 60 people on it (there were more later when I redid Step 4 and 5 as I 'remembered' more 'stuff' from my past). I started with the earliest on the list and worked my way forward. There was one person on that list that it took me 20 years to find.
But now I am thinking that I would like to have a real relationship, a normal one, but I am not sure that it can be with him, now that I know what I know.
I think you just answered your own questions. You DON'T TRUST HIM now. That trust will take a long time for him to earn back, and it will only be possible at all if his ACTIONS match HIS WORDS. This ACTION of his of wanting to make AMENDS to his very old girlfriend is part of the 'new' him. Your being 'jealous' of this and this girl is on you, and something you need to work on when you do your own step work. It is part of 'your own insecurities' and you will have to work through that one.
Right now, since he is still in step work and work on himself, I am not sure that he even has any 'time' away from his recovery work for a 'serious relationship.'
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care.
Love and hugs,