This is a great and timely post... I actually posted something similar-ish in a different thread, talking about how shocking it was to realize that AH's behaviors fit those of the abuser in the wheel of power and control with Domestic Violence...
For years I blamed drinking but then was always confused bc his behavior was mean and cruel drinking or not as time went on. Then I told myself that it was just bc he was an untreated A and that AA would turn him back into the kind man I thought I'd married.
Bottom line: he may be an A, but he is also an abuser and a bad person-- character defect is a nice way to put it. I'm thinking narcissist/sociopath describes him well. He can go to AA all he wants (not that he does I'm sure) but unless he sees there being a problem with his thinking, his control, his entitlement complex etc.... he can be as sober as the day is long and will still be a horrible person and alcoholism has nothing to do with that.
Anyway, so glad you came to this same realization and yes, it is like re-opening a wound and hard to wrap your head around and upsetting.
Have you read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of controlling men? It was a HUGE eye opener to me last summer...