It's been a long couple of weeks. Mr Magic is pretty much through the detox from Vicodin. He is getting by on tylenol and ibuprophen. Yesterday we had a heart to heart about how things have been with us. Now that he is coherent, he has been all into what I'm doing. He has decided that he will make plans for us again. It has been a while since he has been involved in planning, or even caring what my plans were.
This is hard for me to adjust to. It's like a new person is in my life, and it's kind of uncomfortable to start sharing again. Especially with such short notice. And the truth is that I am not extremely trusting of this new person. I haven't handled everything perfectly. But I have handled it better than I have in the past.
It hurts his feelings that I don't trust him. It bothers him that he can't just jump into things where he left off. I am different. I have been growing and changing. I haven't waited with baited breath for him to start living again. I have become more independent. I have a life that isn't centered around "us" anymore.
If anyone had told me last year that I would feel this way, I would have thought they had lost their mind. There is a part of me that would just love to slip back to that old behavior and get all focussed on him and lose me. But I know the consequences that come with that, and I am not willing to pay that price.
So I am taking it slow. I am doing the things that Al-Anon has taught me. I am letting "us" be what it is going to be. That is scary. Not knowing how things are going to be, and not trying to make them what I want them to be. Each day I am looking for God's will in my life and trying to trust that things will work out the way they should. I reach out to my sponsor, read my literature, go to meetings.
Life is ever changing. I am learning to accept that. I know that change is uncomfortable. I can be ok with being uncomfortable, with the help and support I have found. I don't freak out about being uncomfortable anymore. It's weird, but I can be serene and uncomfortable at the same time.
So all in all, things are going pretty good. I have hope that "us" is going to be better. I am capable of handling it either way. I do love Mr Magic. He is a great person. He tries hard. He is kind and sweet most of the time. I think that we both have the patience and commitment to get through this. What the outcome will be, only time will tell. I'll just take it one day at a time.
Thanks to all my friends here for your loving support. I know that I couldn't get through this with sanity and serenity without you. Hugs, Magic
