You are very astute whatamess.... My xAH was/is the same as yours with regard to agreeing to things ONLY if they are on his terms and then turning the tables around and accusing me (or accused me I should say) of being "controlling" when I set boundaries...
My pulse just quickened reading your statement about requesting that he stay elsewhere so you could have a visit with your friends. Reasonable request. He is going to a wedding and you agreed to not go so clearly you show him you're able to compromise and be considerate, but then his response is that he needs to think about whether he can do the same?
And DO NOT for an instant buy the crap about "I want to be sure I see enough of the kids" that he is feeding you. If he were concerned about that he'd make time for them. He just sees them as convenient pawns to use to try and control you and not give you the space you are asking for. That merry go round is one I was on with AH for a long time.
Can you make plans to stay elsewhere with your friends when they visit IF AH won't leave? I know it's awful to have to do that, but if the alternative is having your visit ruined bc of his unpredictability, then maybe putting a hotel room on a credit card and staying elsewhere for the weekend is better?
And, considering you have filed for divorce and his history of addiction, I think you have every right to tell him that if he refuses to leave for the weekend since you are asking that of him bc of his unpredictability, then maybe a call to the police so that they can escort him away for the weekend would be in order?
I have continued until very recently to think that my AH would be capable of dealing with the divorce like a rational, cooperative human being. All that has happened is he has become increasingly irrational, angry and aggressive when he finds that his fake mr. nice guy act doesn't get him what he wants. Be prepared for the same...