oh dear lonelysad,
I can relate so well to your post, and I have been in your position several times over the last two years. each time his relapse, his re commitment to the program, his speaking to/swearing to "never again" actually also reflected MY well being as well..."relapse" as in finding my self in the same situation again, my own re committing to recovery (meetings, reading, online, journaling, sponsor, therapist, community, retreats, yoga, etc etc!!) and me swearing "never again"
funny how we mirror one another...
I am so impressed with the gentle sense words that I have heard before and read here now..."you don't have to decide at this very moment" it seems somehow in our culture, or in the kind of panicky reaction to drug use that we say words like "Never" and "finished" and "done". These words, like those of the addict, can end up being difficult to follow through on when love is involved...(or codependency or drugs!) who knows what we are each facing...sometimes it is very hard to discern between love and manipulation. There are certainly enough films, plays, and songs written about the woes of love, since time immemorial.
On Valentines Day I spent an evening with the man I love. He brought me the most perfect little gifts (sweet and perfect) we made love, we went grocery shopping (one of my absolute favorite dates!) made his favorite stew and baked a cake together, we slow danced to classics...all of this was spontaneous and joyful. And then he walked out the door (to get back to his sober house) and disappeared for almost three days. (He had just rcv'd his first paycheck from a new job.)
Just one more relapse. I know I don't have to "decide". I am not panicky and crying and at a loss. I am glad that we are all here, I am glad that I can participate in recovery.
What I have said this time is "I am sick of crack in my life." It's that simple. Before I could get into endless ping pong games of whether my love enables or not. In fact I am not completely over it, but I have come LEAGUES from where I was! There is NOT an answer. There is only a slow realization for your self...of whether or not you want to stay.
If you keep doing the work of recovery, as you are now, reaching out in honesty and speaking to others and self...and find resources (books, meetings, whatever) you will continue to recover and you will reveal an answer for your self. Time will greatly assist in this!! Take your time. Don't let anyone shame you. I think I was horribly shamed and blamed, and I will admit, regrettably that I have probably done the same to others...
but that shame and blame came from a place deep inside...it has been one of my greatest discoveries in MY recovery.
That discovery has been a gift. Now in the face of the present, and in the calm of the quietude of right now...I can simply say "I'm sick of crack in my life" and mean it. I am not freaking out on the loss of the love of my life. I turn it over to a higher power, pray for recovery for all of us who suffer and focus on my well being. This is the best I can do for me, and for him and for us...ultimately.
I hope this long stretch of E, S & H somehow speaks to you. Peace.