(((IC))) - I am a codependent, though I never realized that until I had delved into addiction and had enough. I drank/used to deal with the dysfunctional relationships I'd had. I have 3 XABF's (ex-addict/alcoholic bf's) and I always thought it was something I did wrong..why did they leave me?
It took me hitting bottom with both my addiction (crack) and my relationship (another crack addict) to say "I can't do this any more".
I don't know WHY I have this fear of abandonment, but I do..or did...okay, sometimes I still do. I have family and friends who love me, but there are times I still wonder if I'm "good enough".
Luckily, I've been here long enough, worked recovery on both the addiction AND the codependency, that it's not nearly as bad as it was. I'm coming up on 5 years in recovery, and have just opened my heart to someone else.
Scared? Sort of. Hopeful? Yes. Afraid that the "other shoe" is going to drop and I'll be abandoned again? Yes and no...more "no".
I can't control what anyone else does. I know that, but there are still times I try to control what can't be controlled.
SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery, of finding out my quirks and other stuff. Some people need meetings or other f2f support.
My codependency and addiction are so intertwined, it's almost impossible to distinguish one from another. However, I've made some pretty good progress in both. I will admit...the codie recovery has been far harder than the addiction. I'm truly convinced I was born a codie (neither parent had those traits when I was growing up).
I recently had a codie meltdown, wanted to be numb. I reached out here, pulled out all the recovery tools I had and got a ton of support. In the old days? I'd have given in.
We care about you. Sometimes we ask the hard questions that sting a lot, other times, you hear what you need to. As long as you keep YOUR well-being as the most important thing, you'll be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy