KelleyF

Anvil,

Once again I have to thank you because your words always sink in with me.
Some of it I file---but I do it knowing I may desperately need it later .

I definetly dont regret calling 911 for BF; but it truly did scare me to think that someday I could allow myself to be put through so much because of BF drug addiction ... that I might reach a place within myself where I would question that decision. That is very heavy stuff.

And then just sensing the desperation felt when your in an OD situation; brought back feelings that I guess are more raw than I cared to admit.
Now that some time has passed; Im going to try to work on through these emotions.

I understand what you are saying about not being able to save those that dont want to be saved; that no matter what you do - if they are not ready and find it within themselves - it is basically hopeless.

I agree with that, but it is difficult to know; probably impossible to know exactly what it takes for an addict to reach the point where they say enough... Im done and I will do whatever it takes to never reach for it again.

I want to clarify that when I talk about consequences with my BF; the actions his dad took to help him, protect him ... they had no part in BF decision to quit. ... BF had not seen his dad in a year when he decided on HIS own that he was done. I also was not part of his life at that time; hadnt even met him yet. HE told me that HE decided to quit because he didnt want to die, and he thought that was going to happen soon.

BF had used coke a long time (sniffing it) and I think he managed it fairly well for a long time, but the last 3-4 months - he was shooting it. He said he became obsessed with it; with getting just the right dose while avoiding death.

I know he has a long way to go; if he hadnt had the relapse at xmas, then at the end of February it would have been a year clean. I know the relapse is a bad thing; but because of it he has started actual treatment; the 10 months was just cold turkey. I truly believe he wants this; and I do have faith in him.

But what I meant about his dad was that while his actions didnt stop BF from using; they did preserve parts of his life; left them untouched by this addiction so to speak. For example, BF had a house - you dont walk away from a house for over a year without paying your mortgage, and your taxes etc. His dad did that. Now BF still has a house... granted its in another state... but its still there.
BF got picked up for something with the drugs; but with his dads help; no charges were filed; so now he has no criminal record. Not to mention that with his profession he cant have any felonies; or he loses his license. So now he can still work. He worked for his dad; so he did get his salary cut off, but he still had health insurance... dont think he even knew that however. When BF ran out of cash, he used cash advances on his credit cards to get $, but who kept paying the credit card bills? Dad. I have to say he did this in part to try to locate his son, but that never actually worked out... but I honestly fear what BF might have done to get $ had he not had access.

So a lot of what his dad did was maybe indirectly affecting his consequences.
I dont know how to explain it; all I know is that without all that- BF would still have not have stopped until he was ready. And Im afraid for what would have happened to him without his dads help. There are just so many variables....

You are so strong Anvil and so smart (wise) ... I just really thank you for continuing to take the time to help me sort things out.

Ive never left the forum because I know I have to keep forcing my mind to accept the realities of addiction; and what could be headed my way if I continue down this road with him.

And it hits me so often.... Im the one who feels bad about taking 2 benadryl.

Hugs and thanks
Kel