(((Kelley))) - I'm sorry for the feelings all this has brought up, but I do think that there are times we NEED to think about stuff that triggers us (just my personal experience).
I am a codie, heading fast into codie-land as we speak, which is why I'm glued to SR. My codie-ness led me to want to escape..different things, crack being the drug that brought me to my knees.
I left the man I loved..he had no intention of quitting the crack. I saw him a while later at his mom's funeral (she was awesome and we loved each other). I wrote to him a few times when he was in jail (the ONLY time I could get hold of him). I shared how great recovery was, how I wished that he would seek it, but I turned him down when he asked for money (while promising me everything but the moon). I never heard from him again.
I was in the town where we used to live, looking up one of my former d-boys who would rather set himself on fire than sell me dope - he's proud of me, and he always told me "girl, you don't belong here".
I asked about him..some kid said he didn't know where he was. Asked about my ex and he said "he died a couple months ago". I later found out that not only was he still married (he had "proposed" to me several times) but he died of pneumonia. He was more concerned with sucking on a crack pipe than going to a doctor.
I was an RN for 12 years - had all kinds of certifications for ER, ICU, advanced life support. I know, however, without one shadow of a doubt that I couldn't have made him go to the dr. unless he was unconscious - he was an adult. Had I still been with him? I'd have been smoking crack. I know, without a doubt, that I would have called 911..despite losing my nursing career to addiction, I will always have a "nurse's heart" and gut feelings.
In my time of recovery, I've lost 3 people to the consequences of addiction. Heat broken? You bet. However, I know my limits.
Consequences? Yes, that is what got me into recovery. I'm still dealing with them, coming up on 5 years. I live with my dad/stepmom (she is an A, ACOA and every other acronym you can think of). I've found her passed out. I checked her breathing, her pulse and I woke her up. Since I've been on SR, though? I told her and my dad "if I find you passed out, I will check your breathing and pulse, and if it's okay? I will leave you where you lay". My dad, after a few times, started doing the same. I took pictures...try to deny THAT? She did.
I don't even know if my post makes sense, but I've been on both sides of the addiction fence. I'm having a hard time with the codie side as it is affecting both my dad and stepmom...and me. I'm clinging to SR as the lifeline I know it can be.
Right or wrong, we learn by experience. I've found that to be true whether you're the A, or the one who loves an A. Different people have different bottoms, and sadly, some of those bottoms are death. Today? I'm livid angry with my stepmom. I want to escape. Today? i know that's what led me down the path of addiction, and I'm clinging to SR as the lifeline I know it is.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy