My husband and I have dealt with substance abuse from our son since he was 13 years old. We moved out of state when he was 19 and he seemed to leave his drug abusing days behind. However, after he graduated from college, he decided to move back to where the abuse all began for him. He became a heroin addict.
When my son (28) came home last July after a one month stint in a rehab, I had hopes that he would want to do all the "right" things. His life had become very unmanageable--lost his job, girlfriend, 2 DUI's, facing possible jail time (was court ordered to rehab). He did do a week in jail instead of probation after his rehab.
My husband and I rushed home from our vacation to help him. He had cried over the phone how he wanted to change and be a good husband and father some day. We thought surely he would do everything possible to fight his addiction.
As soon as he got home, he told us he was not going to attend AA or NA meetings. He said that he didn't believe alcohol was ever an issue for him (though he was a very heavy drinker in high-school). He doesn't want to go to AA or NA because he would have to give up alcohol and he is not willing to do that. Red flag.
I had found an individual counselor that my husband and I had seen before he came home, so I suggested he see her and he did. He has continued to have sessions with her. These sessions are not cheap and he isn't working, so he can't pay for them. He says the sessions are helpful. I think he's worse off today than he was seven months ago.
In the seven months he has been home he has relapsed two times and he continues not to work. He had a short spell of working, but got fired. He says he can't get a job now because of anxiety. He said his counselor would back him on this assessment.
Finally I came to my senses. Enough is enough and I'm now prepared to take a stand. I can't make him do anything--I can only control what I do. It is time to treat our son as an adult and not let him take advantage of us any longer. This weekend is when my husband and I are going to have our "little talk". I've been preparing a contract to discuss with him. Our goal is to get him out of our house--plus to stop all the enabling behaviors we have been guilty of, thinking we were "helping" him. Getting my husband on board has been a problem in the past. I don't think he wanted to believe a son of his could possibly do what our son has done--but we have allowed our son to take advantage of us, too. It is not all one sided. We teach people how to treat us.
It is important to evaluate all the things you have done in the past and what you are doing now to enable your son. When I sat down to write what we've done, the list became very long. My husband and I have a lot of work to do on ourselves.
I feel the first hint of peace now. I feel like I have seen the light and now have a plan. It may not turn out that our son will do all the things we dreamed of him doing when we got that first phone call from him when he was crying over the phone, but I do feel that we are on the right course now. We are starting to feel the first bit of promised freedom that is to come--freedom to let go and let God deal with our son.