Minor existential crisis
I just joined this site today and I am looking for some support and clarity. I have been drinking for almost 10 years (that is so hard to admit). I have had success before with stopping drinking or controlling how much I drink, but lately it has gotten out of hand. I notice that my drinking increases as my daily stress increases. I am married to a chef, and he just opened his first restaurant 3 weeks ago (talk about stress). I am so proud of him, but I am also jealous of him and then feel guilty for being jealous (and then drink to mask the guilt). I also feel lonely because he is always working and even when he’s home, his mind is at work….which I understand…It’s a new business and I don’t think it will always be like this. But I drink…Currently, I hate my life. I can’t stand my job…not kidding, picture the T.V. show “The Office”, except with a boss that’s even more socially inept and is just an out right jerk. Just to give an example, I hired someone a few weeks ago and according to my boss I “made a mistake because she is too overweight and not pleasant to look at”. I feel stuck at my job though because I get paid extremely well. This relates to drinking because I wake up every morning with dread in my heart about going to work and to “cope” with what whatever happens at work I come home and drink. I am applying to graduate school and I’m terrified that if I don’t get in I will be stuck in this job forever. I am scared because I’m using alcohol to deal with my problems. I feel like it has gotten way out of control (I drink to the point of not remembering what happened the night before). I can’t wait for the day to end so I can go home and have “one” drink (which never ends at just one). I am scared for my mind and for my health. I would like some meaningful advice about dealing with daily stress (please don’t tell me to join a yoga class), about increasing self awareness, and about creating a meaningful life. Please do not ask me if I’m in AA and if I have a sponsor. (I’m not, I don’t and I don’t intend to).