Valentine's Day Eve Rant
If ever I felt like breaking my now 100-day sobriety streak it’s tonight. Thanks, Hallmark.
On the eve of the day of celebration of love, I find myself alone with the cat.
I admit that I made mistakes. But as soon as I realized that was the case I did something about it – quit drinking, began therapy, etc. And I have changed significantly because of it. But that won’t be noticed by my wife, because she is gone.
I have read on this board that some feel that marriage is a contract unless addiction is involved. I guess I didn’t notice that fine print in my contract. In my mind, this is exactly the type of thing that may come up in a marriage that needs to be worked out, together. I think that if I weren’t willing to take responsibility for my actions, or weren’t willing to change, that would be different. But that was not the case.
It seems like after I supported her through the eight years of her PhD program, there might be some consideration given for my stress levels or needs. The main arguments we had during that time were her wanting to do fun things and me not being able to because, after working full-time and coming home to do all the maintenance and cleaning, I was sometimes too stressed out or too tired to do some of the fun stuff.
At the bitter end I became aware that my drinking was a problem, and I took steps to correct that. But it was already too late.
I think Al-Anon plays a big part in all this. They teach, from what I have seen, the empowerment of the individual to the exclusion of all else. I agree with their idea in general, but disagree that it has to be at the expense of all else. It is possible to have both self and marriage. It happens all the time (well, maybe not often enough judging by the divorce rate). It is also possible to regain self while retaining marriage. Especially while retaining marriage to a person motivated to change and improve.
I have read a lot of posts on the “Friends and Families” section here, and there are a lot of sad stories. I have not read one yet where at the outset the addict committed to change, did the necessary work, and was still rejected by the spouse. If any of you are reading this, some of us do care and try to do the right thing. It doesn’t always have to turn out bad.
Okay, end of rant. Somehow that didn’t make me feel any better. I guess I’ll just drown my sorrows in (water?) maybe Coca-Cola (ugh!)