sntinatree

Hi All This is my first post..And I plan on staying around these forums. I have been reading and stories I am reading are motivating.

I was always a drinker and started in college. Drinking Thursday, Friday and Saturday nites. Heavy drinker during those times only to follow a trip to the grease trucks to soak up all the alcohol. The next Thursday would roll around only to do it all over again.

My Uncle is an alcoholic and my father has been stopped multiple times driving drunk. There is alcohol in my family and we even make wine. In fact I have I have 15 cases of wine in my basement right now that my father and my brother and I made.

My mother had stage 4 lymphoma and was diagnosed at 47 years old. We were told that if she didn't have a bone marrow transplant she would die. Well she managed to have her lymphoma for another 18 years, although NOT event free. Her disease would come back every 4 years and would require another treatment.

My mother was my best friend..We talked on the phone 10 times a day about the most silly things but it didn't matter to me..I needed her and she needed me. It was always our dream to raise my children together..and of course with my DH too..But my mother loved children..

So I got married...somehow I couldn't get pregnant. I had 5 miscarriages all resulting in a DnC because my body would not expel the fetus. My fertility Doctor told me I had a less then a 1 percent chance of a live birth. My DH and I decided to adopt. We adopted a boy at 4 days old..It was the best day of my life but the worst. I had severe Post Pardom Depression and at that time my moms lymphoma came back with a vengeance. The entire family was completely oblivious about her disease. They all thought OH she will just have another treatment and bounce right back. I did an ultrasound on her abdomen and saw the lymphoma engorged in multiple organs..She had stage 4 Lymphoma again.

At this point I felt hopeless..my best friend IS dying...She will not be able to help me with my son..My drinking became out of control. She only realized my son for a year at best. She died on August 25th, one year exactly after I got my son.

I did have a daughter on my own after..at that time during pregnancy I didnt drink.

I an resentful that my family is over my mom..My father had a live in girlfriend two weeks later. I cannot get over her..and I have been drinking ever since I knew she was going die..

This disease has going totally out of control. My life has been a blur. I know I have to quit. I am having symtoms that are scarring the living crap out of me. So I am here 3 days in. I am not going back. I have to live for my children. I know after all..that's what my best friend would have done.