Reality of my life
It has been awhile since I posted. First thing I have to say is Thank God for al-anon and this site! Without the two of them I think I would still be lost in a pit of isolation and irritation. It has been a year now since I started focusing on me and learning all I could about alcoholism and what living with one does to the loved ones around them. I gave up on my illusion of control, handed my worries over to God and started taking the next right steps for me. My life had truly become unmanageable and for me the first step was a very easy one to understand.... I know I am powerless over alcohol. Learning to let go and just focus on what the next thing I need to do are the best lessons. Otherwise my head would be spinning and I would be overwhelmed by all of it.
In the past year I have seen my RAH spin further into his illness, go into Rehab, become someone wonderful without being pulled down by his addiction, my marriage was repaired and the best it has ever been in 22 years, to having the rug pulled out from under me hard and fast. My RAH relapsed after about 5 months and although not drinking (I don't think) he is white knuckling it once again and his illness has a hold of his thoughts and actions. He is once again irritable, reclusive, self- centered and emotionally not part of our marriage or family.
I know I am powerless over this, I can't save him, there are no "right" words to help him and I know it is something he has to figure out and work out in his own time. Being powerless over this illness SUCKS! I feel sorry for him, I want him better, I love this man, but I have to love myself more. What I do have control over is ME and only me. My thoughts, my actions, my life and I deserve better, I want better. Old me would have felt selfish for these thoughts. New me understands that it is better to let go than to be dragged by this illness. I pray he finds his way and I pray I find the peace and serenity I so desire and honestly have never had (I am a child of an alcoholic too).
I know I have a rough road ahead of me, but I know I can and will come out the other side. Peace and serenity are there waiting for me if I am willing to do the work to get there and I am willing!
This is reality.... the life I want I may never have, but I can still have a good life, a happy life and it is time to go find that life with or without my RAH. Wish me luck I think I am really going to need it!