Originally Posted by
EnglishGarden 
Flower,
In "Codependent No More", Beattie says that if detaching "with love" isn't possible, it is better to detach with anger than not to detach at all, when involved with a chaotic, hurtful person (and addicts are always chaotic and they always hurt the people in their lives). So don't worry....NC is the right way to go if he is a danger to your mental and emotional well-being.
And actually, not all people can get well. Some people have hard-wired personality disorders which are resistant to treatment. Many of these people are also addicts, so people mistakenly think that if any addict goes through recovery, surely he or she will get better, be well. But this is not so for those with psychological disorders resistant to treatment.
They get sober and they are still mentally ill. And dangerous to those who want to have a relationship with them.
I'm not at all suggesting your exabf has any sort of hard-wired disorder. Just want to offer that feedback. We all need to watch our backs and not be deceived, because there are people in the world who really want to destroy. And will, given the opportunity.
In Al-Anon I wish there was greater emphasis on caution, rather than "unconditional love." In the meetings the opening conveys the idea that one is in a perfectly safe place with completely trustworthy people. This is not what codependents need, in my opinion. For me, it was blind trust that got me into that room in the first place!
I am learning to wait and see whether someone I meet for the first time is trustworthy. And that includes anyone sitting in a recovery room.
Wishing you good clear decisions to protect you.
My AXGF is a severe Borderline Personality. Like, as severe as one can possibly be. There is no hope for her getting better. It wasn't just the addiction I was dealing with for over a year. It was the BPD. The relationship had to take its course in terms of the splitting. At the end, she went from wanting to marry me, to
10 days later dumping me, via text and a picture with her and the new guy. Idealization into denigration. And, according to my clinician, a healthy dose of projection.
I won't talk about what she did within this thread. It was hateful, vicious, mean...just awful. I'll answer questions via private message.
There is no love for her in my heart whatsoever. I've gone from "detaching with love" in terms of her dealing with her addictions and me keeping my sanity, to nothing. It's only now I can see what I've been subjected to: full blown emotional abuse, particularly gaslighting at the end.
My anger is under control. The hurt is a different story. I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with that sort of abuse. I sometimes ask myself why did she do it? Why, after I stood by her through 2 detoxes, an overdose that nearly killed her, and countless suicidal threats, does she feel it necessary to injure me to that extent? If she wants to end the relationship, why not simply end it? Instead, she said she had no grace or dignity with me and threw in my face she boinked two other men. :rotfxko
I'm so fortunate that I have a lot of people in my life, in my professional relationships, academic relationships, and long time friends, that care for me. If I were that bad of a guy, I don't think those people would be sticking around.
This is a long reply, I know. I've learned a very, very hard lesson.
When you're dealing with BPD/addiction, don't be surprised if your loved one turns on you at the end. It's the nature of the illness. It doesn't matter what you've done for them, or how much you love them.
They can, and often will, turn on you.