I keep coming back to this in my mind:
A mere 150 years ago children were property to be seen and not heard, were working in sweatshops thorughout the Western world, beaten by bosses and strangers alike, and with fewer protections against inhuman treatment then even animals. This is the world my (European) forefathers came from...this is the world my parents strove to transend. If I hold them to the standards of modern child services, I could make them out to be pretty darn bad I suppose...but when I hold them to historical standards and remember thier humanity is no less then mine, they look pretty good.
I think LTD's comment explained to me why this line of thinking irks me. Because as codependents, we make an artform out of
settling. Telling ourselves it could be worse. Telling ourselves at least we're not blind in a wheel chair in a warzone. Telling ourself at least he isn't beating us. Then telling ourselves he at least he isn't beating the kids. Telling ourselves at least he isn't injuring the kids
that much.
As codependents and family of alcoholics, we're not exactly prone to
exaggerating the problems. On the contrary, we're prone to downplaying them and settling for much less than we, and the children, deserve. And I think that's part of an enabling behavior, that isn't good for the family
or the addict. So I think comparing to an era gone by is the wrong standard: We should be comparing to a
normal family situation by today's standards. Anything else is making excuses. Which I was the expert on for 20 years.