Thanks for sharing. I hope you will find a way through your present difficulties and can use this site for support. Fifty is not old. You have plenty of potential in front of you. You can stop drinking and as you say you managed a good period of sobriety before when you felt better. Alcohol is a depressant and if you are drinking (at least) a bottle of vodka per day and starting in the morning, then clearly it's going to have an affect on your mind. I suspect you were feeling rather confused when you posted this because you kept repeating yourself.
Everyone here will put the same question to you. What are you actually going to do to stop drinking? What programme are you going to follow? It's not going to happen by chance or by some miracle from above. You're going to need to do some work on it.
But you can do it. And we're here to help.