Desperation--how do I find the strength?
My life is a mess. I have drank since teens and have drank regularly since I was about 26. Obviously stress and pain precipitate my need to mask the pain. Not a good childhood; both parents alcoholics. My ex-husband and I partied pretty regularly for years. He could control it, I couldn't. It was a source of contention with him, but he didn't let me have it, unless he was unhappy about something--which was pretty much all the time. Our relationship didn't help matters. And I drank more and more over the years. I am 50 this week. Depressing. Speaking of which, I've gone through severe depression for oh about going on 8 years. Left him had an affair got divorced, lost my job; unemployed for 9 months--then he died suddenly of a heart attack. Went into severe depression with so much guilt remorse, and sadness. I'm still depressed. I don't have any zest for life. I dwell on the past and want our life back. Too late. I'm having nips in the morning to face the day because I dread the day. I hate my job but obviously have no choice. I'm scared to death I willl lose my job. I'm in sales and the pressure is too much. I have quit for only 3 months a couple of years ago and a month in July. I drink more than a pint of vodka a day. Vicious cycle. I did feel better when I quit, but that hasn't been enough to take the step. I am talking with an old friend from years ago, and he's probably --surely a in worse shape than I am. We aren't romantically involved--he doesn't appeal to me at all. I find him weak because he's an alcoholic.. Oh the irony. Does the site alert you to responses? I posted a month or do ago and didn't get an alert. I'm looking for encouragement. I know I have to find the strength within ME. I'm so lonely and as it goes, alcohol is my best friend. I'm sitting here ready to call into work. I don't care, yet if I lose my job, I'll surely lose everything!! I'm still attractive in my decrepit age, yet who would want me? Men have, but I'm not interested in them, lately the old friend is clamping for a relationship. I'm not attracted to him at all. And wouldn't that be a good combo. I've told him he is in a sad state and pitiful. Can you imagine? He is though he posts pathetic messages on Facebook--and it's quite apparent he is an alcoholic. Ha I choose to live in my own world and appear strong. Ha! Always have appeared strong. How do I set an alert. I forgot where I posted before. Just have to remember where I posted?