Things difficult today
Hi, I'm posting on this forum because things feel difficult today. I just handed in a tea commitment at an AA meeting because, last week, I left the meeting and almost bought painkillers to overdose on due to overwhelming feelings of shame, rage and fear. I'm so pissed off that I don't feel ready to get into the middle of the bed so to speak but am trying to focus on the positive:
1. I have not had a drink or any other chemical today.
2. I met two safe people for coffee, before and after a local AA meeting, and helped put chairs away at the meeting.
3. I am posting my feelings and experiences here.
4. I went to the gym.
5. My dog was fed and looked after today.
I have been disassociating in meetings and sometimes self-harming afterwards or entertaining suicidal thoughts. What is driving me crazy is that I unwittingly created an abusive abandoning Higher Power in other fellowships and need to do some deprogramming (maybe through therapy?) before I feel safe enough to continue with the AA steps. I am about 5 weeks without alcohol at present and obsessing about being in a relationship and previous self-destructive obsessions with unavailable men, plus the past.
Trying to accept I must be where I am for a reason.
Hopefully someone will identify with this or get something out of it.