lizatola

Hello everyone, I have been married to my AH for 17 years now, the first 15 he was dry. We have a 13 year old son. My AH had quit drinking twice during our engagement period and I married him as a sober/dry man. Fast forward 15 years and he has begun drinking again, due to my own stupid error. When I turned 40 I had a glass of sparkling wine served to me for my birthday dinner by the Melting Pot restaurant. I didn't even think about it being alcoholic and I let my husband have some too. AFter that we decided to start having a bottle of wine at home every so often, which is all it became for me. I was enjoying a glass of wine every few nights at home with my husband. He, on the other hand, started drinking while traveling and then started hiding hard alcohol in his office. I guess I was too naive, I thought he was right when he said he only quit 'not because I had a problem with alcohol, I quit because I just wanted to.'

Over the past year and half I feel like we have been in a sick battle. He hides it, I find it, he does something stupid, I call him out on it, and around the merry go round we go. He says he doesn't have a problem and that the problem is that I have subconscious limits on what I feel is appropriate for someone to drink. He hides it because he knows I will judge him. To which I retort back: well, most middle aged fathers don't drink to the point where they are passed out on the floor where there wives can't wake them up. Most DADS don't drink to absolute oblivion and then decide to get in the car at 1:30 AM for more beer(even though they had beer but forgot in their drunken state) and drive drunk risking other people's lives on the road. Most dads aren't actively drinking at 5:30 AM when their families are waking up for the day. Now, when I point out these incidents(and there are a few others) he gets defensive and says they are one time incidents. Granted, it's not like they happen every day but I feel that he binge drinks often enough and makes stupid choices and that is where it becomes a problem. I pointed out that our son had a friend sleeping over the day that I found him drinking at 5:30 AM, what does that say to his friend if the boys were to wake up? What kind of example is he setting, right? He just doesn't get it.

Last week, I was so ticked off. He was supposed to pick up our son from his sports practice so that I could go to my Al Anon meeting. He bought a 6 pack on the way there, was late getting there, and that night I found a red plastic cup in his car that reeked of beer smell. So, the next day I asked him if he had been drinking either before or during the retrieval of our son( I smelled it on him when I came home but he could have had a beer when he got home, which is what he told me). Of course, he denied it. I didn't bother to point out the beer cup because he'd just say it was NA beer( which he does drink and keep in the house, too). Of course, I knew how much NA beer was in the fridge and I noticed that none were missing.
Then, I told him that I'm going to have a talk with our son about how he doesnt have to get into a car with someone who's been drinking. He can say no, call the other parent, or ask them to hand over the keys. My AH got all po'd and told me in his words that he doesn't trust me to have that conversation with our son. He thinks I'd vilify him and throw him under the bus and he pretty much told me not to have that talk. Now, what normal dad of a teenager would be against that kind of conversation?
Sigh, there's a big part of me that wants to deny there's a problem because he can go for a few weeks and be totally fine. But, there's the other side of me that smells the beer on his breath or I accidentally find his hidden flask, etc and then I realize that I'm not the crazy one.
He also takes 2 antidepressants and he is NOT supposed to be drinking while taking them. After his little drunk driving episode I called his psychiatrist and told them what happened and asked if it was because of an interaction with the drugs and the alcohol. They called me back and told me that he should not be drinking any alcohol while taking Paxil. When I challenge him on this, he defends it by making up this huge long story about how that's just for guys who drink all day and whose brains are already turning to mush from all the alcohol. He told me to stop going all WebMD on him and that he doesn't drink enough for it to be a problem. And, here goes the merry go round but I'm finally learning to get off. I didn't bother to tell him what I know, I didn't bother to tell him that the doctor's office said NO ALCOHOL, nor did I fight him on the WebMD comment. Al Anon is really giving me the tools I need and I'm really looking forward to spending my time working on myself instead of obsessing over his alcohol consumption. Thanks for reading this far, it was a long introduction, LOL!