Petunia,
That is it. It took me a long time to understand. We hang on to our relationships so tight, we actually squeeze all the good out of them. Even a hurricane can be beautiful and has a purpose. If you are in it (which was the case for some of us) it is hard to see that beauty or purpose. Detachment isn't about leaving, though sometimes relationships end whether we leave or not. Detachment is taking a metaphorical step back from the hurricane, so that we don't get slammed by it. It is also holding the puppy gently instead of squeezing it so hard we break it's kneck.
I was an "all or nothing" kind of person. Stay or leave. Good or bad. Your fault or mine. I have learned a lot about balance through recovery. I have learned that if I take a step back I can see the big picture sometimes. Even when I can't "see" the big picture, I know that there is one, and that my mind just can't get around it at the time. I only though choices were black and white. But there are rainbows of choices that I didn't even know about.
I had to take that leap. I had to pry my fingers off of the thing that I was dying to hold on too. This helped me a lot:
http://www.ticz.com/homes/users/bob/...e/The-Rope.htm I was crying when I read this. It was very powerful for me.
Hugs, Magic