Hey everyone!!
Well today was rough. First my test was horrible, and I would be amazed if I got a C. (it's just a CC or whatever, but I do have a 4.0 and I did study for this). I know I'm not alone, everyone was mindblown at the difficulty level, SO many short answer (that were really practically essay's) and it's anatomy and physiology--that's rather sadistic of my instructor. What's done is done, I'll work harder (and I can't imagine there won't be a curve). It's a small class, and the girl I'm the most friendly with mentioned grabbing a drink, and others were...and i wanted to SOOO badly. I did the whole, oh I'm broke till payday, and then someone offered to pay but I just said I had to get to the gym.
And to the gym I went. I killed it, I'm already sore...I just hope it's not too bad tomorrow, working out is absolutely crucial to not drinking. My parents were drinking bloody marys too when I walked in. Ugghh. Such is life, I can so no here, I can't out with others. Let alone even not want to crawl out of my skin out and about yet at all. My mom was all, oh don't cave-etc. And then she hit me with this gem, "well you've starved yourself down to nothing time and time again, so why don't you use that willpower to not drink?" Gee thanks mom. I had no real response to that, though I almost pointed out the fact considering I um, don't digest a lot of what i eat, and um my drinking is so tied into when I restrict my intake it's ridiculous--that's not exactly amazing willpower. :/ The littlest food comments almost always have me running to the bottle. I mean I'm lucky to be able to live here so the last thing I want to do is really react. It's a big incentive to get well and get sober and get out of here. (i was on my own at 16 for a bit, so having moved home at 27 and am still here...not such a good time)
Wow, for as quiet as I am irl, I sure go on a lot online!
rypen
"my addiction trys to seduce me into compulsively doing what i think."
^
Well put. I wish I had better words of advice, but all I know is what I'm trying. I live in a small town, and the only meeting I can make, my insane ex goes too...so AA around here is out. Maybe once I work less I can make another but I don't know. For now I'm just trying to read what I can here and concentrate on today. There are so many members that have such great advice and for that I'm very grateful.
Ahab- Definitely keep reminding yourself of that. I think of it, I have serious issues w/anxiety (i have ptsd) but as much as I wanted to believe alcohol masked it--and maybe for awhile to others it did--it created so many more problems and with that came so much more anxiety.
LindseyMarie- Gotta love the waking up totally drenched with chills. Mmmhmm. I am sending you good dream vibes! I told myself I would get a pedicure if I made it a week. That's one thing I was SO meticulous about my appearance at all times, but the last couple months of my drinking...just sad sad sad. I'm trying to appeal to my vanity in part, hey whatever works (speaking of eyebrows can you send me some, i kid you not i have the most bizarre issue when my anxiety is bad, esp as of late, where i pick my own out. yeah. sexy. good think for makeup)
everyone else--hang in there and I'm hoping for a great rest of the day for you. I'll be wasting time online for awhile, so I'll check back in.