Yjasmene, I am sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through. The saying of 'there's strength in numbers' is true to a degree but sad all the same knowing that this is such a problem for so many. I feel for you and for everyone here who has experienced such pain. I pray that we all find some peace and that our loved ones do as well.
I am only beginning to understand this disease as I just realized that's what has been happening. Why it took so long for me to recognize it for what it is? I don't know, alot of things - I have always tried to see the best in people, even when they show their worst easier than their best, love, insecurity, compassion, etc.. I just read on here that it's easy to confuse compassion for love when living with an addict. Obviously, that "in love" feeling is not present at the moment but we had built such a solid foundation in the beginning that I do know there is still love there.
I'm finally ready to admit all of the feelings I've experienced, accept the course I've allowed and followed and see clearly where it led me, and do things for myself now. It has been exhausting to be a 'detective', apparently another trap we supporters fall into. I need a break and am going to find myself again. While doing so, I am going to pray that my boyfriend can do the same, not for me right now, but for himself. As hard as it is to swallow, I know that he cannot love me until he gets better and loves himself. I have been fighting that battle for over a year now and have to start reminding myself that it is not personal, even though it feels that way.
Cynacle One, I've never experienced this type of depression before, to the point where nothing is fun and it is a chore, sometimes torture, to be around friends I haven't seen in a while. I don't want to answer the questions of how I'm doing or how my relationship is because it means I have to force a smile and say ok since I certainly don't want them to know the truth. I don't enjoy doing anything so I come up with all sorts of excuses if I'm asked to join them. It's not the life I want and it took me this long to make a stand. My boyfriend and I had one of the most honest and heartfelt talks we ever had over the weekend and for once, it wasn't from my prodding. He rarely opens up but he shared some very personal things and I see how torn up he is over everything. He is aware, in these kinds of moments, what he has done, what he is doing to me, and the guilt, shame and apologies were sincere. He has encouraged me to be with my friends, find some enjoyment, do for 'me'. It has been my choice to live in a hole and I'm sure that has made him feel even worse about himself seeing how low I have sunken myself.
I don't know where tomorrow or the next day will take me or us but today, I'm going to accept that this is day one of my acknowledgement of the issue and decision to do something for me and go from there.