HopefulGF65

I am new to this board as well as new to being someone who loves an addict. I've been in my current relationship with my boyfriend for just over two years and it has only been recent that it hit me that's exactly what the situation is. Right now, I am so incredibly lost, confused, hurt, angry, resentful, etc. yet...I love this man with all my heart and I am holding onto the man I fell in love with. I have consciously made the decision to see this through, or, for at least as long as my boyfriend is attempting to get clean. But I have reached such a low point myself, recently diagnosed with severe depression, and am tired of crying on a daily basis, that I know I need to help myself now.

Once we lived together, things ever so slowly started falling apart. To this day, we disagree on what came first. In my opinion, it unfolded at the same time. Living together, you no longer have the luxury of showing only your best side. I started noticing mood swings and my insecurities came out which, in turn, caused him to start withdrawing and withholding the nice things he used to say. As his moods worsened and as we argued more, my anxiety increased. Four months into us living together, he admitted he was abusing Vicodin. I always knew he took it but never knew there was a problem. Maybe subconsciously I picked up on things here and there but it wasn't until he went to his Mom's, who lives out of state, to detox, that I knew things were bad. I was scared but at the same time, so proud of him for doing what he was doing on his own. I wanted to be there for him but he felt it best he did this without me around as he knew he would be a "bear". While away, I tended to the finances (which, even though we keep separate, I handle the budgeting which was his choice as he told me he was not good at managing his money) and found a very large gap in what he claimed to have and what was in his account. When asked about it, he admitted that his problem was worse than what he led on but was so ashamed and didn't want me to know how bad. He gets a legitimate script every month but that wasn't enough any more so he was buying more as his tolerance grew which was emptying out his bank account. I tried to understand as best I could and when he came back, I saw a man who was free of all the "crap" he carried around, happy, and clear minded. But it didn't last.

The real pain he experiences on a daily basis with his back (from a car accident years earlier that he never got treated for) caused him to revert back to getting a script a month later. He was honest with his doctor which showed alot of character I thought and the doctor lessened his script to be more manageable. I was so disappointed that he went back to them and being as anxious as I am, constantly worried that it would once again interfere with our relationship. And it did. It very gradually took over but looking back, I had blinders on. I guess I wanted to believe so bad that it wouldn't happen again that I ignored the signs like "my bottle was stolen out of my car" or "I accidentally ran over my bottle in the driveway" excusing him to seek more.

Last summer, I was rear ended in a car accident and for the first time in my life, I required pain medication. Because I only took them when it was absolutely necessary, I always had alot on hand. Because I didn't want to get into more arguments, I agreed to let my boyfriend have what I didn't use. For a while it wasn't an issue. Until one day, when I went to get one for myself, I noticed some missing. When I asked my boyfriend, he denied it defiantly and was very convincing which left one other option - his teenage daughter. He let me believe she was the one who had to have taken them and I was furious that she would come into my bedroom. We had one of the biggest arguments we'd ever had because I told him he needed to talk to her and when he kept pushing it off, I told him either he talk to her or I would and we didn't speak for 2 days. The whole time, I thought we were breaking up, I went through agony. Then he admitted...he took them. I was hurt, and let him know in a surprisingly calm manner and I forgave him because at that point, it was the first time, to my knowledge, he'd ever "done" anything to me.

Fast forward to now, he just admitted to me (even though I already suspected) that he has outright lied to me about money he was supposed to pay back to me from a check he claimed to have never received, used his doctor co-pays to buy more, took them from me two more times and left me with none, well, you get the idea.

My guess is I'm telling a story that is familiar yet to me, it is very new, very raw, and very painful. I have been on this rollercoaster for too long and it's destroying me, and destroying us. I have seen him cry like a baby because he realizes how helpless he is in all this. He doesn't take them for pleasure because he cannot function (due to pain) without them. When he runs out, he is so miserable to be around. And when we argue, he can say some pretty awful things that he doesn't realize. I'm not trying to see this through rose colored glasses any more and I'm trying to be realistic. He has real pain but he needs to find a better way to cope. If he wasn't seeking alternative methods (he just got an mri and is ready to go to a pain management center) I would know I'd have to cut my ties now. But he is so lost, to the point where he hates himself and tells me that maybe I should leave him, that I shouldn't trust him, etc..

I don't want to sound selfish but I just want to have a "normal" relationship, free from worrying about this issue, wondering when I get home what kind of mood will I find him in, will our plans get changed because he's not feeling well, etc.. I'm sure I've enabled him and have become somewhat of a co-dependent so I'm ready to admit the mistakes I've made as well. I know I haven't helped the situation with my anxiety (which I am currently being treated for) and can't imagine what it must be like for him. But I am so incredibly hurt that he could do all these things to me. I've read that addiction takes over and becomes the priority but it doesn't change the fact how much it's effected me. I feel like I am unimportant and that all of the support and unconditional love I've given him means nothing if he can do this to me and do it for as long as he has. I trusted him but no longer can and trust is huge with me.

What do I do? Is there hope? I'm thinking of going to a local NA meeting, I'm wondering how helpful they are. Any help, suggestions, anything will be so welcomed.

Thank you for reading my story.