Your story sounds so very familiar to me. Its uncanny!
I think that when I thought of my husband as an actor, I was able to see that he was playing a part/role. Your post with what your h said just seems so familiar. My h wanted me to go to the family things too. I didn't want to either because it felt like a performance to me. If we both go and pretend, then everything will be hunky dory (happily ever after). I wanted a relationship grounded in reality not in magical thinking. I wanted actions that followed the words. I remember reading that love needs to "feel" like love. It was one of Mr. Burney's pages about toxic vs. healthy love.
When you mentioned wanting your h to grow up, it was like deja' vu. My h was like stuck at an early emotional level. I've heard that they're frozen emotionally from when they began using. His inner child is out front pretending to be a grown up. While I'm a grown up trying to have a grown up relationship with an inner child. If that makes sense???
Pretending to be in recovery is different then actually walking the walk and doing the work. I totally understand about waiting for him to grow up because I did it too. His thinking never shifted. He still wanted to play the blame game. Outlook didn't change. He still choose manipulation over asking for what he wanted.
I waited a really long time through several relapses while working on my side of the street. I totally understand the ambivalence. ((Suki)) says often that you will know when enough is enough. You will know when you are done.
I allowed myself to believe the smoke and mirrors of magical thinking often.
Sometimes I wish that I had had the courage to leave sooner. I know that you will make the best choice for you. You are not alone!!!
(((hugs)))
Thank you for letting me share!