My (20 yrs together, 15 married) RAH and I are struggling. This is SO hard. I keep saying that the only thing that's changed is the fact I'm not cleaning **** up off the floor and hearing what a 'f-ing' #$%^ I am...
and he just said the same thing. Nothing has changed.
He was upset with me. Says I ignore him. and ...do I? Maybe.
I am having a hard time detaching...and not abandoning (an issue brought up on another thread earlier today)...
He says when I am asked to go somewhere or do something I always say no and it makes him feel bad. He says I don't talk with him...I talk to hear myself talk..about mundane things..nothing of importance.
he said... "I went to AA for you but I stayed for me."
mind you ten seconds later he was talking on going back out...
so was it for him?
not if he can't see how much better his life is now.
so he went for me. he still goes because I won't live w/ an active A.
the fact he even told me he was thinking of going back out reeks of manipulation...
I don't play that. I won't get pulled in. and if he drinks he's gone. Period. so if he drinks he's choosing how he wants this marriage to end. His choice not mine.
the thing is ...I don't want to go to an open AA mtg. I've been to many with him and while I do think I'm supportive...I don't think I should NEED to be there. This is HIS deal. I do my alanon and he does his AA.
and I don't WANT to go hang out w/ his AA people. I'm sorry but they are all perfectly nice but I just don't want to.
nor do I want to go hang out with a bunch of youngsters either...I mean..my thinking is that he should have friends his own age...and be hanging w/ people who have common issues....perhaps men who are married, have kids etc... not a bunch of 20 yr olds who have no wives, no kids...limited responsibilities...
I do love him. But we all love our A's .... we do. the question is whether it's healthy for us to be involved with them.
and how involved.
He's my husband. We can't lead completely separate lives and be happy.
I"m very unhappy but I"m not sure exactly why.
I'm working on my life...but not so much on OUR life.
I don't know where that line is.
What's okay and what's not.
I've read and read my alanon books. I'm trying to do what is right.
and I'm not trying to hurt him on purpose..but he is hurt by it. Yet I doubt him and suspect manipulation...that surely isn't good..right?
I don't know anymore. he said we're married we are supposed to be entangled...but according to alanon...we aren't. we have to detach with love... ??? Where is the line? between him and me...and where is it okay to be 'entangled'?
He asked if I was leaving him.
I said no, I hadn't decided.
I can expect some fallout from THAT answer.
but it's the truth.
I am so confused on what is the right thing...and what is acceptable and what isn't. I'm not foolish to think I know the difference right now because I'm not far enough in alanon to really have that part yet. That's part of our disease I guess.
I just don't know.
part of me wants to go sooo badly...
we've NEVER had a good marriage. so I just feel like I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.
Any advice would be appreciated.