YoungerSister

Hi,*

I am new on here but looking for help. I am 30 years old and work (hard) as a doctor in a specialist training program and married to a great guy who also works hard as a firefighter. My brother is 39 and unemployed for over 10 years due to his dope addiction since he was a teenager. My mother has always enabled him and refuses to see that she is still doing so. He was married and living with his wife and child until she finally left 2years ago. My mother used to regularly give him money for their 'grocery bills', or their 'mortgage payment' when they didn't have enough with his wife's salary, which of course gave him more money to buy drugs. His wife ASKED my mother to stop giving him money but she continued to do so.*

My mother then paid the full mortgage and all expenses to allow him to live in that house for another year after his wife left, smoking pot all day and playing computer games, until his ex wife got lawyers to make the house be sold. My brother rarely saw his child during this year, and my mother would get his "custody time" every week instead.

A year ago my brother moved in with my mother when his house was finally sold. He still does nothing except use drugs all day and has one of my mothers credit cards *for his use for any "expenses". He acts like it is his right to not work and have other people pay for him and his drugs. He does not even get any centerlink payments as he doesn't qualify (wouldn't look for work) so contributes nothing and my mother pays for everything.*

There is now a custody battle between my brother and his ex-wife over my 4year old niece. My mother is paying for the best lawyers available and it is going to a full court battle, at massive expense. This is obviously about my mothers access to her granddaughter since my brother VOLUNTARILY did not see his daughter for months on end and was then completely distant with her on the odd occasions my mother could get him to see her. Even when living with my mother, when my niece was visiting he would lock his bedroom door and rarely interact with her.*

My father also died in the last year, and he was living in a very nice house in another suburb as my parents had been separated but were 'dating' again. The will from 30years ago was not remade so everything went to my mother. She has now decided she is keeping the house for my brother to live in for free. Myself and my other siblings, including a sister from his first marriage, will get nothing. My mother says it is none of my business since it is her house now. *Since the court has ordered supervised visitation with his daughter while the custody battle continues, he still lives with my mother part time, but has a whole other house to go to when he isn't allowed to be in the house during his daughters overnight stays.*

This has become a massive issue more recently for my husband and I since we are now starting our own family. We have struggled to become pregnant via IVF as my husband is a leukemia survivor (so we have had massive emotional and financial struggles of our own in the last few years). My mother was completely unsupportive of us during the IVF process, despite having some truly terrible times with illness and heart wrenching sadness. We started refusing to visit her house as it was always filled with dope smoke and I did not want to be exposed while trying to get pregnant. My mother "put her foot down" and made him smoke just outside the backdoor, where he now has a recliner chair to sit in so that he is comfortable while being 'forced' outside, but of course the smoke is still everywhere. She also insists on telling me in detail about every 'drama' that he is going through although I have told her I don't want to know about it.*We are finally pregnant, and I had hoped my mother would 'get some perspecitive' on this issue with another grandchild being born, but nothing has changed.

It has gotten to the stage where I refuse to see my brother and will not talk to my mother is she talks about him, as I get so frustrated by it all. She tells me I am too harsh and need to be supportive since he is going through a hard time (like we were supported through our hard times?) She says she will NEVER kick him out and that I am a terrible person for suggesting it. She tells me I am just jealous. She refused to see his manipulative behavior, or even that he has an addiction. I do not know what to do to help break the unhealthy situation. Previously my mother and I were very close. And selfishly I am sad that I am losing my mother over this and that she will choose to not know our children if it comes to that to continue her enabling. I cannot understand her choices.*

To complicate issues my other brother is a chronic schizophrenic who also lives with my mother, and she has never set any boundaries with him or encouraged his independence. I don't have as much issue with this, although we have had disagreement on how best to help him in the past, because he does need some help to live a good life (just not as dependably as he is now, I think) .

I am very sad and struggling with how to manage this. I am sure I can't be the only one dealing with this, but it feels like it. Are there any suggestions?*