I still have faith in god...its faith in myself I've lost.
I've tried to be all the things it seemed my family needed of me. The only thing I can look at and feel good about how I've done so far are my kids. And only time will tell there.
I can't turn on the heat or the a/c just because I think it should be on. I can't go buy a head of lettuce just because I think we need it. I got berated for 3 days running once for buying a head of lettuce. My life feels like a long drawn out process of letting go of everything I've ever wanted for myself.
Now my kids are a different story. For some reason, even though he thinks I'm too stupid to even turn water on 'right', with our kids he trusts me completely now. I'm guessing its because they're pretty great kids. And with them I feel good about how I've done. I can't look at them and not feel good and like I've done ok, at least so far.
But the rest of my life seems to have been all about becoming less then I was.
And I let this become my life.
But the crisis of our childs needs is past, and I can split my focus in more directions again. So I don't have to stay that 'less then' person any more. But it will take time for me to regain trust in my own ability to make choices for myself and not just for my kids.
Believing in god helped me believe my child could learn to walk, talk and laugh with me. And right now, believing in god helps me believe that I can walk free again too.