wifeofanACoA,
Thank you for this thread. I'm reading your posts and seeing myself as I was. I'm hearing my wife finally give up on me and talk about divorce. She did it without tears and that killed me.
I was filled with so many of the same manipulative devices your husband uses. My wife saved my life by doing exactly what you're doing with your husband. The lengths that we (male ACA's of our type) will go to manipulate and try to control what our spouses do and how they think are insane. I mean insane, as in sick.
I apparently had it out for him when my parents came to visit way back when. He believes that I was conspiring against him and setting him up that weekend because my parents helped with the cooking. He said that my parents do everything for me and I put them out all the time. He said that when they come to visit then I make the whole weekend revolve around me.. oh dear. All they did was cook some meals because they said they wanted to give me a break. But in his eyes I'm horrible because I'm not the one cooking. So messed up.
I said that my parents are adults and as such they can decide what they want and don't want to do. I never made them do anything. He just doesn't like people helping me because it's my job.
Why does their helping me pose such a problem to him? I really don't get that part, I really don't.
He acted like I was supposed to tell him ahead of time that they would be doing things for the weekend (cooking). Why? Why would I have to tell him that?
'Oh, and by the way when my parents come they're doing the cooking. I hope that's okay with you.'
When you mentioned this it brought me right back to one of the devices I used to use. It goes like this: If Your parents have to 'give you a break' it means they can see how irresponsible I am as your husband, so please cook away. It'll show them that we're more stable than they think, and I won't look so bad. Besides we're in this situation because of you anyway. It's your punishment." Why did he REALLY want forewarning? Because if he knew you were going to take a break, he would have 'stepped up to the plate' on a thing or two to show the in-laws what a great husband he is. If you should look bad, that's a bonus because he can then reach out and lift you up (but not too far). Then your parents go home, and it's back to the same old routine. And he gets angry when you don't play his game.
Alternating from nice to mean, wow I remember that one. I did it to try and lever my wife's choices and thoughts. How sick is that? Not even confident enough to let your 'equal' make her own decisions? I wasn't. I was so afraid she would choose not to be with me anymore. And wrestling that, I pushed her farther and farther away. God I was so messed up. Reading your posts make me feel I lived some alternate life. His behavior is SO FAMILIAR. It's uncanny. Let me share mine and my wife's stuff in the hope that you can take something from it:
I am an ACOA. All the traits you read about, I had them: low self-esteem, manipulative, ultra-irresponsible (in my case), etc. I loved my wife, even in this condition. I was messed up and knew it. I wanted to change, but I didn't know how (even though I thought I did). I did not respect my wife (even though I thought I did). I could argue for hours trying to manipulate her thinking. I really believed that if I could just get her to understand what I was saying, she couldn't possibly keep her own thought process. I was in denial, and I was addicted to my sick, manipulative, screwed up ways.
After putting up with me for about a decade, my wife so drained of emotion, dropped the divorce bomb. And I knew she was dead serious. It was not a threat. Think of it as a 'statement of intent'. That single act served the same purpose that an intervention does for an addict. At that moment I realized I had failed to change and I did not know how to change, and I surrendered myself. I let go of the sick stuff and we got our butts in to a counselor. One who specializes in addiction and recovery of all things.
So much has changed since then. I have had to step up to work as much as my wife. I have learned to shut my mouth and let her be who she is and she's wonderful all by herself, without anyone trying to control her. My wife loves me. She reaches out to me, shows affection, does sweet little things (like leaving notes). I do the same. I know now that she's with me because she wants to be, not because I have any control over her. When I let go of her and let her stand her ground, she was awe-inspiring and I realized what a worm I had been. My wife is amazing. She is strong. She helped save my skin from myself and I am eternally grateful for her. I am such a lucky dude.
I wish I could tell you that you can believe the things your husband says. Really, I don't think he should believe the things that come out of his own mouth. What comes out are tools and devices to shape things 'the way it should be'. When the truth does come out, it's conditional on those devices and colored with manipulative motives. I wish I could tell you that your story will follow the same path mine has. But I had to make a choice, and your husband will too. You said you go to church. The bible indicates that divorce is sanctioned on the grounds of abuse. I really think you have been living with abuse, my wife was. I never called her names, never raised my hand, but I did make her life a hell, I didn't mean to, but I did. The bible calls its readers also to forgive...the repentant. Not the ones looking to smooth things over until the storm has passed.
I feel very involved with your story. The two of you have some hard choices to make, and I hope you make the most of either direction. Remember, you do not have to 'stick it out', you do not need to make sure he gets better, that's for him to decide. Thank you for your posts again. You have reignited gratitude in me for all I have accomplished with the support of an amazing woman.