Knowing and doing
Most of you know my story...raging codie, turned to drugs to deal with it, now in recovery for almost 5 years.
At 50 years old, I am back to living at "home" with dad and stepmom thanks to the consequences of my addiction.
I never saw codie tendencies in my dad until my stepmom - she comes from a long line of alcoholism and is a raging codie. She also really likes her pills, and dad has become a codie.
I thought I was doing well enough in my codie recovery (began that when I began my addiction recovery), but yesterday? I realized I have a long way to go.
Part of the issue is that I feel I have to take whatever they throw at me because it's just one of my consequences..I got myself here, deal with it.
I am grateful for the roof over my head, that if something comes up I can ask dad for help (money-wise), but have been working for more than 5 years and I do contribute.
I also have a little bit of PTSD from an armed robbery (well, 2) several years ago. My county does not have much in the way of resources to allow me therapy. End result, someone starts yelling at me, I go full-fledge into "fight or flight" response.
My dear friend ((Tess/Anvilhead)) has repeatedly told me that my family is too enmeshed, and she's right. A part of me feels like I have to take whatever is dealt me, here at home, because it's my consequence for my addiction.
After a nasty altercation with my dad, last night..then another with my stepmom (who is an A), I seriously wanted to numb out. Not crack (my DOC) but get drunk.
I realized, I read so many stories here of women/men who are financially dependent on their A's, and though I always encourage "Take care of yourself", I don't do it myself.
I realized, today, that I've been "talking the talk, not walking the walk".
I work and my bosses absolutely adore me. I'm in school, have a 3.82 average, and I will have 5 years of recovery on Mar. 9th.
On the other hand, I was screaming last night, stepmom told me I had "evil" in me, and I am not proud of that.
I think, FINALLY, I've hit bottom in my codependency. Most of the time, I do really good, but last night showed me how far I have to go.
((Tess)) told me some things she's said before...today it clicked. I can't get a place of my own..I don't make enough money, and I am not going anywhere I can't take my cats. For those who know me, that's a non-negotiable issue and I have 3 of them.
I guess my whole point of this post is to let others know that we get where we get when we get there...usually when something clicks and our brain says "I can't do this any more".
I've made a few, very simple, changes today, and darned if it doesn't feel GREAT!
Thought I know I can't change others, I don't think it really clicked until today. I can say, though, that I've made progress in other areas for quite a while...it just wasn't enough.
I just want to thank all of you. I spend a lot of time on here, I see what all of you go through. It gives me strength that even though I'm a slow learner, I will be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy