My heart goes out to you in this wretched situation. What happened to me is one day I woke up and decided I can't stand this one more moment. All I can say, it's a process so please don't be hard on yourself. You started in the right place. Please understand you don't deserve this abuse and neither do the children. When an alcoholic is active nothing stands between him/her and the bottle (or substance). It is their mother, father, higher power, great loves of their life. Alcoholics have to decide they need help and get it. I recommend Al-anon where you'll find tremendous support from people who share your situation.
Keep reading ........there is a way out..