jsa88

Hi..I posted earlier in the month about how occaisional use (of anything!) had gradually turned into being completely incapable of moderation.

I've used something, mainly stimulants' at least every weekend for the past couple of years and this is my first attemp at a sober weekend...Well no there have been many failed attempts but pretty sure this ones going to be successful. Its really strange you don't realise you're addicted to someone until you try and stop. I definitely want to stop I'm not craving drugs the thought of the going through one more headfuck of a comedown makes me sick but I feel really anxious and my mind is all over the place. I think the problem is when you spend all week on a comedown you're kind of numbed to it but when you're mind starts to clear I'm just thinking what the hell have I be doing!

I've also recently got back together with my boyfriend who I first started heavy drug use with. He wants to quit too 100% but thinks he can do it all by himself despite repeating this cycle for a good ten years more than me! I've got no more will power than him but at least admit my past attemps have failed so need some kind of support. We were supposed to have a drug free weekend together last weekend and I turned up at his place to him visisbly. Off his face on coke with the rationalisation that he was tired so didn't want to let me down by being boring!! I was furious. As I really need his support amd genuinely didn't see him ******* up so soon...but also made me realise that he doesn't have as much control over it as he thought.

The next day he was really apologetic but he refuses to entertain the idea of him or both of us seeking professional help and is convinced we can do it without despite failing so many times.I really care about him and its nice to be with someone who can relate to what I'm going through but I feel like its almost making it worse because I'm just waiting for him to let me down and I think he's feeling resentful towards me because last weekend I think he honestly thought I would just join him like usual

I also didn't mention before that before I got back together with him I started working for an escort agency for about 2 months (which stopped immediately when I got back in touch with him). He knows all about this and is the only one that does and understands its only because I was hammering coke and speed and not in my right mind. The fact that he knows this and still wants to be with me despite it being very difficult to handle I'm sure makes me want to make it work even more. I'm sure I'm painting a lovely picture of myself but I come from a good family, graduated uni with a 1st but regardless seem determind to be a complete **** up. Its amazing how subtely drugs change your outlook of what's normal...when I started the agency after the first night was out of the way it really did seem normal and I hate to say aat the time I almost enjoyed it. Not sexually really but just the odd excitement, uncertainty and going way over boundaries...its really hard to explain but something I'd heard other girls working there say that they enjoyed the 'buzz' but not meant sexually. Now when I think of it I feel physically sick and utterely appalled that my minds got to a stage where it ever thought that was normal or acceptable.

I realise this is an insanely long rant but find this helps in itself. I guess in short...should I seek professional help? I kind of worry that because I'm not a hardcore heroin addict with proems far greater than mine I'm sure that I'd be out of place an an NA meeting? I'm not sure if I'm actually addicted to drugs or just need to grow up and sort myself out...Second should I get rid of the boyfriend and sort ourselves out separately or insist that he seek help if we stay together? I feel like added on to the pressure of sorting myself out I'm also waiting for him to let me down and break my heart. His intentions are good but even just this week he's been angry and I can tell a bit resentful of me despite being all of quitting before I think last weekend made him realise I really was serious. Anyone have any eexperience trying to sober up whilst in that sort of relationship?