zoso77

When I factor in everything that I've read here with the stories I hear at meetings, it's so apparent that the disease of addiction is just so insidious and destructive. And it's so indiscriminate in collateral damage.

One of the most interesting threads I saw here is the one about whether addicts regret how they've treated those in their lives that tried to support them. In my case, if my XAGF apologizes for all her misdeeds, I simply wouldn't believe her because there's no evidence that it's a genuine apology. There's no evidence that she's gotten honest with herself about her behavior, or she's done any sort of work to become a healthier person. The facts show that she hasn't, and she continues to go through her day to day life not accepting responsibility for how her behavior has adversely impact those closest to her. I seriously underestimated the depth of her illness, and I seriously overestimated her ability to be honest.

Today, as I have all week, I'm struggling to keep the focus on me. Probably because I'm so hurt. And while there are things I'm certainly grateful for -- I'm highly educated, have a great career, have wonderful, caring friends -- it's hard to feel good about those things during times like these.

I admire so many people on this board that have done the hard work and have, somehow, managed to healthy lives. Hopefully, one day, I will as well.