Just another daughter of alcoholic mom
I realize I should go to alanon, but I guess im not quite ready.
My mom is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life and at least half of hers. My dad divorced her when I was 7 due to her drinking, manipulation, and lies. I have great step parents and an amazing sister. I have an older half sister from my moms first marriage who is a paranoid schizophrenia drug addict. My relationship with her is limited. I have step brothers and sisters too.
Nearly everyone on my mothers side is an addict. Alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, you name it….they use it.
My dad is a good guy. He loves me but I know I am a huge disappointment to him. He thinks all that I’m capable of is being attractive, cooking, and cleaning. Recently I gained a little weight and he seemed so hurt by it. It was as if he was thinking that I can’t even stay in shape, much less succeed at something truly difficult. I’m currently in college and I think he’s just waiting for me to throw in the towel so that he can lecture me about it.
When I was a kid, I tried to get me and my sister to go live with him but my manipulative mother told us that if we didn’t live with her she would kill herself. We got really scared and ended up having to lie to the courts and tell them that we changed our minds. We said that our dad was mean and we missed our mom. So back to moms we went.
My mom has emotionally abused me for as long as I can remember, and she was sober for A LOT of it. She has called me every bad name out there, told me that im a c***, dumb, that I have a learning disorder, etc. The list could go on for a while.
She worked as a waitress (even though she collected a very very large amount of child support). She came home really late at night, after we had gone to bed. Then she would sleep in late and be gone when we got home from school. It seemed like she just couldn't stand being around us.
Every event that we ever went to together, she got drunk. Our birthday parties, drunk. School recitals, drunk. My wedding rehearsal, drunk. And on the rare occasion that she wasn’t drunk, she would find some way to horrifically embarrass me.
Appearing perfect was extremely important to my dad. We went to private Christian school, but we couldn’t tell people there about our mom.
My mom has always been "ill". A constant cold or flu. Now I think it was a cover for her daily hangover.
Other than this stuff, I remember VERY little from my life. Not even just my childhood but my whole life. In fact, I have a hard time even remembering really recent things. I feel like my whole life is a blur and the only moment I ever really feel is the one I’m in right that second.
I am insecure about my personality so I have always relied on my looks. I constantly worry that I will forget what people tell me about themselves and then they’ll think I’m a jerk for forgetting…and then it happens. I try to be funny and cunning but it just comes off at rude and inappropriate. I tell everyone everything. I have little to no filter for sharing my personal information. I drive myself crazy doing that but it just keeps happening. Maybe I feel like I should warn people that I’m effed up, or maybe I’m looking for someone to fix me. I don’t really know.
I dislike almost all women…. especially if they are even remotely attractive. But then I get bummed out when I can’t find a friend to go to Sephora (or whatever girly place) with. But even when someone does go with me, I make the whole shopping trip about me. I lose interest almost immediately when it comes time to help them find their new eye shadow or whatever.
I hate going "out." Social situations make me beyond nervous, especially if they involve partying.
I talk bad about almost everyone, even people that I really really like. I know I got that from my mom. Its such an ugly thing to do but its so hard to control.
I am a realist to a fault. Blind optimism drives me insane.
I feel selfish because I don’t really care that my moms an alcoholic. I mean, Im sad that she is throwing her life away but what makes me really mad is that it feels like she is throwing mine away too.
She recently told me that she does not want to have a relationship with me anymore because I and mean to her and that I cannot get over her alcoholism. She has no idea that I am mean to her because she has bashed me and my emotions for the last 25 years.
I hate feeling like a bad person. I love so many people but I just can’t bring myself to engage in healthy relationships. I ruin everything.
There’s so much more that I’m not comfortable saying on the internet. I don’t know why I am posting this. I guess im just hoping to hear from someone that can relate. Maybe they have gotten through this awful feeling of being ugly and gross on the inside.