Finally figured it out
I feel like I know many of you as I've been a lurker on this site for 4 years although I've known about my problem with drinking long before that. I've resisted posting here because I'm not keen on sharing personal info but if my story helps like other stories have helped me then it's worth it. A little background... I'm in my early 40s, wife, kids, house, good career, etc. Grew up with an alcoholic parent (lots of drama and unresolved issues with that to this day), started binge drinking in HS, got heavy in my early 20s in the service and kept it up on and off since then for over 20 years. I have anxiety problems and I used alcohol to fit in/calm down/etc. As many of us find out over the years it took more and more and near the end I was experiencing major anxiety attacks coupled with daily withdrawal to the point I thought I was having a heart attack. Morning shakes with Saturday morning eye openers were my breaking point. I didn't want to live like this and I was terrified I'd die very soon if I kept it up. Went cold turkey over a year ago with mild symptoms and made it 5 months. Drank a handful of times after that (which was HUGE compared to my daily routine) and finally quit for good late last year. I'm now coming up on 50 days with no intent to start again. Went to the doc for full physical and blood work & was totally honest about my history and came out with no signs of damage to my liver which I still can't believe.
Looking back I'm amazed at what a dark, desperate place I was in for so long all over a simple substance. Convinced I had cirrhosis, wouldn't be around for my kids, the shame of drinking myself to death weighed on my mind... I think the mental process of putting it down was much more difficult than the physical. I finally realized that the majority of the problems and dysfunction in my life all came back to a single issue... alcohol. Once you accept that you don't need it and get a few sober functions under your belt life becomes immensely more gratifying and satisfying. I'm not exhausted, sick and constantly thinking about my next drink anymore. I'm thinking about what I can do with my kids after work... about hobbies and projects I used to enjoy but lost interest in @ the height of my addiction.
I want to thank this site for taking a big part in my recovery. I spent many a white knuckle night reading and it helped me tremendously. The way I see it I spent the last 20 years abusing myself so why not spent the rest of my years doing the opposite? If I can do it, so can you.