Your post is right where I have been several times in the past 3 years. I would stop drinking.. I would start drinking.. I would stop.. and start... and I was attending AA. When I first started attending I thought that there was no way this program was for me. I thought I was smart then everyone in those rooms. I wanted to learn to drink without consquences... I didn't want to stop drinking forever.
But, it wasn't until I was at a place where I was spiritual depleated and ran down that I started to understand that I could lose people, places and things... but, until I lost my spiritual hope that I wouldn't stop drinking. When that happened... the AA'ers were still there and they still wanted to help me. I was truly grateful! I am still truly grateful today! I have 52 days sober!
Saliena