Plath

Wow, Bill...Good on you for standing your ground with your dad like that! (Extra exclamation points!!!!!!)


I honestly don't even know how my mother in-law would react if I told her that something she was saying was hurting my feelings...my husband's family has the tendency to shrug things off, so I don't know how that would go over.

And, although I don't think this is healthy, I believe that my pride and inherent feeling that I need to protect myself emotionally from this woman and not allow her to see that I am vulnerable to being hurt by her (the same way that I feel about my mom) may not allow for me to be that open just yet...but it's something I will give some serious consideration to, as it seems like a healthier response that just digging back.

Also, the things she says are basically designed to be very subtle (I'm pretty sure, as I do the same thing to other people, including her), so it's hard to muster up the courage to say that something as simple as "oh, I wasn't really impressed with their stuff" (referring to my favorite shop for neat natural soaps, shampoos, etc.) hurts my feelings. In reality, it makes me want to stick my finger in her eye (I suppose the anger is the fall back defense for feeling hurt).

The proximity thing is hard...I hope it doesn't sound like I'm "justifying" things here, I suppose I just use this forum and the feedback that I get from all of you to kind of sort things out in my own head, hahah.

My husband is very close to his family, as I was once very close to my family.
Both of our families are healthy enough to have them around our son, but it's my mother who mostly poses the danger of emotional damage through her negative behavior--and thankfully, I have kept her and my family on her side at a safe distance that requires about three hours of driving.

When I first had my son, my husband and I had been living in a small, rural town where we didn't know anyone, and having a babysitter and family around sounded very appealing (as did moving back to the city).
I did have to curb my mother in-law's relentless requests to come visit us all the time, as I value my privacy, and his family has acted out in various ways that have caused me to be very cautious about trusting them, mostly just for my own well-being.

We're looking at houses right now, as the apartment we live in is really cramped and is driving my husband a bit mental, so we won't be living in the same building for long...although that does have its benefits, to be sure, as far as babysitting and just being able to go to the store without a big production.

But then, there's something in me that doesn't even want to give her the satisfaction of asking her to babysit, as she insists on bringing her overbearing, boundary pushing friend along as often as she can justify it--in spite of the fact that she knows, under no uncertain terms, that we do not want that person around us.

(We're willing to offer her friend help along the lines of picking things up for her while we're at the grocery store and dropping them off at my mother in-law's apartment, but we're not trying to be her surrogate family the way my mother in-law would like for us to be.)

Gahhh! I think this is probably just "life on life's terms", so to speak. I've had to let go of my control issues in this area regarding my husband's family, as it is my natural inclination to simply not want them around at all, which isn't fair to my husband or my son.

I will write down the book that you suggested (I need to start making a list, as I forget every time I go to the book store!), and much warmth to you for being such a supportive person for me on this forum.

Thanks to everyone for responding, as this situation is clearly unmanageable for me, and it's not coming easily for me to accept that I have not control over her behavior...I can only control my own behavior, and how I choose to react (or refuse to react).

Hope your day is wonderful, and thanks again for your input!