Well...the "hair shirt" has become slightly less obnoxious, but I'm still feeling a bit extra "trigger happy" today.
I think that it makes my recovery even more difficult when I am forced to deal with other ACAs in my day-to-day life who activate my triggers even more than just day-to-day life already does. But I think I'll reserve that topic for a new thread, as it's kind of its own sort of monster.
After I posted this thread, it was a bit easier for me to look at people and their behaviors (we went shopping for baby clothes, books, etc. today, and there were some people who normally would have really got under my skin, but I was able to shrug it off reasonably well) without reacting.
BUT, when I got home, I had to deal with in-law stuff (the price of having a babysitter who is actually a very loving grandma, but a somewhat obnoxious mother in-law).
I can never tell how much of the triggers/behaviors are mine, and how much are hers, or if I'm imagining things, etc...I just want the feelings of irritation, rejection, and subsequent resentment to go away.
Anyway, as far as being triggered by loud noises or people yelling, I don't have that too much, although they can be inherently nerve wracking.
However, I noticed something odd about a year ago, when my husband lived in a lower apartment unit and the woman upstairs would walk around in high heels every morning as she got ready for work. Every morning, as I would hear her click clacking around on the floor upstairs, my body would tense up, I would feel stressed and irritated, and anxious.
It took me a few months to realize that, as a teenager, my mom went to work before I went to school, and my bedroom was always in the basement. Hearing her walk around upstairs in her heels meant that at any moment, she would be busting into my room to give me orders about what I needed to do that day, and berate me before she left for work. I guess that was part of her morning ritual, but it caused such an ingrained reaction for me that I still feel it decades later.
Well anyway, I'm so sick of feeling so negative about everything all the time (look, even that statement was negative).
I know that, as ACAs, it is often very difficult for us to feel deeply and genuinely happy, as we are positive that something will happen to crush that happiness.
This, and trying to make myself feel worthy by making other people look bad, are some burdens I want to be relieved of.
Oh, and Bluebelle, we went to Barnes and Noble today, but I forgot to write down the stuff you mentioned! I'll have to write it down (I don't want to access this site from my phone, for my own weird privacy reasons) before I head to the bookstore next time!
