Yep, that's what I feel like. I keep quitting drinking and then I keep quitting sobriety. I know whats missing.... Meetings. I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of months. I get a stretch of time under my belt and then bam, I screw it up. I have read so many books thinking that between the lines I will find the easier softer way. Well, I find it easier to drink than not to drink sometimes. I don't conciously drink to numb anything, I just do it cuz that's what people around here do. I drink at home, to avoid public humiliation basically. I recently have had a major falling out with my former step mother and she said things to me that are completely untrue and very very hurtful. Every time I drink, I text or email her with my thoughts and want her to hurt as much as I do. I know it's not right, and I am a better person than that. I sent her an email this morning apologizing. I am so disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. I hate myself. I hate that I just can't stick with sobriety. My emotions are so all over the place. I have lost so many nights due to blackouts, and I have lost so many good times to anxiety over worrying about what happened last night. I am a mess. I am melting pod of highs and lows. I am an embarrassment to myself. When I tell myself I got this, I am apparently fooling myself because I don't. It doesn't bother me to not drink. I don't have physical withdrawals, I have emotional ones. I beat myself up over everything and I am very very hard on myself when I drink. I punish myself between my own ears and I expect others to be as disappointed in me as I am in myself. But they aren't. And because of that I guess, I just drink again. I'm exhausted with life. I am emotionally spent and I just want the past to stay there, in the past. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want free from it all. I think I should commit to 90 in 90. I love the saying if you don't drink between meetings you can't get drunk. I need to abide by that. Ugh, I'm so disappointed in myself. I hate it. Sorry for rambling, guess I need to reset my sobriety date. Thanks for "listening". Please, keep me in your prayers. Guess I just took step 1. I AM powerless over alcohol.
