I have found it is important to be very hard on myself in these areas. I don't want to hurt anyone - there's enough pain and suffering in the world. It been very important for me to be extremely honest with myself.
The behaviors you describe sound like attempts to one-up other people to control and dominate to feel good enough. The solution is God and the 12 steps.
Have you ever thought of doing an Alanon Step Study? If we're thorough in our work we meet God, and He is the only Entity that can give us the approval and love we need, that we were lacking from our childhoods, that we still feel is lacking as adults, so we don't have to steal it from others anymore (which only works temporarily anyway.)
This will take a sincere desire to want to stop hurting other people and do as God wants you to do. Then you will feel truly good.
It is work. But recovery is an awesome journey.