Originally Posted by
Suffocating 
...I'm tired of feeling insecure, having low self esteem, self worth, etc. It's like I take 10 steps forward and 100 steps back. I keep going because I know that if I keep working at it, it will get better. I mean Jesus, a year ago, I was way worse off!
...I feel so alone. I don't have any friends because I'm so scared of everyone. I did a bunch of work at cleaning out toxic relationships and then I was left without friends. I YEAAAARRRRN for healthy friendships, but I don't think I'm ready to be a really good friend yet, or maybe that's not my own voice telling me that. It's just so hard to make friends. When I wear the mask (compliant, people pleasing, seeking approval, etc), it's easy to make friends, but I don't want that anymore.
I'm shocked by how much I can relate to your post.
I have also, within the past two years or so, severed ties with most of my "close friends" because I was so sick of feeling like they were either so unhealthy and codependent that they weren't really capable of participating in a healthy friendship, or feeling sick of having friends who seemed to enjoy a certain smugness and boost to their own self-esteem by looking down on me, even if they never said it outright.
I came very close, during my pregnancy a year ago, to cutting out many family members as well, but they have proven to me that, despite their faults, I can have them in my life and my son's life--at least from a reasonably safe distance.
They can be very good to talk to and have around...it's mostly my mother who has the capacity to really make me feel (and act) neurotic, so she's allowed and welcomed as often as we're all able to drive to see each other, which is only every other month or so.
When I really take a step back and look at the last three or four years of my life, I realize that a few years ago I was already starting to sever "friendships" with people (especially guys) who were obviously abusive and/or dysfunctional, and I guess that clearing out my "close friendships" was just the next step in my process.
So, as a result, I have family, and literally barely a handful of friends that I keep in touch with, try to get together if/when we can, etc.
I totally understand what you mean when you say that you don't feel like you're ready to be a really good friend yet. I feel the same way. I want to be around healthy people, or at least have friends who are on the same page and similar journey, but so far I'm just kind of waiting it out. I figure that when I am ready, people will come into my life for the right reasons.
But yeah, until then I depend a lot on the internet, my husband, and unfortunately my in-laws (who have proven entirely undependable in the friendship department as well, as they are all ACAs who haven't really worked out all of their issues--but then, who has? hahah). They live very close, so I've tried to be friends with them (and they're always going on about how we're "all family", and "let's do this or that", etc.), but they're just not really as healthy as all that.
Anyway, I just want to give you a virtual high five, as I believe we are in similar boats with our outlook on friendships, how to be a good friend, and trying to wait until we're ready to build healthy, meaningful friendships with others.
I will add that some of the friends I cut out of my life had been my friends for years, some for decades. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the friendships were healthy.
So, I'm just kind of hanging out until the time is right, and making a point of not hanging out with people who give me red flag warnings (or even yellow flag warnings) just because I'm bored or lonely.
And yeah, I do feel like I take 10 steps forward and 100 steps back. Every day. But I'm pretty sure that it's better than just sitting in the same place forever!
