Dear Plath,
I can related. When I first looked at the "Laundry List" of ACA traits and could identify with many of them, I thought to myself "OMG, I had no idea I was being such a jerk!"
There were also some of my traits that I actually thought were assets! I was/am a big people pleaser. I'm friendly, positive, and try not to disagree with others. I don't like conflict, so I try not to make waves.
Good, no?
Then I read something in a recovery book about how exhausting it is to be around people pleasers and how you can never tell how they really feel because they are always trying to get your approval. Ugh!
I went through similar realizations when I truly looked at how I like to be "helpful" (i.e., controlling).
What keeps me from beating myself up too much about these traits is that I realize that they helped keep a little girl safe. Being around alcoholics is dangerous and unpredictable. The stuff that I learned I learned for a reason. It was actually a sane response to an insane environment.
So my ACA traits/character defects/flaws are sort of like old friends that I have outgrown. I try to appreciate all they have done for me, but I'm also trying to give them the message that they are no longer needed.
I've been doing more stepwork and I was actually surprised to learn that many members don't explicitly ask their HP to remove specific shortcomings (step 7). They feel that their HP will remove the traits that he/she sees fit. Interesting.
Keep posting! I'm enjoying the extra activity in the forum.
Warm Regards,
db