I was trained since birth that the man of the family does whatever he wants and the rest of us should tiptoe around him, lest he finds out that we are not good enough for him and he leaves us.
My mother lived in terror of my stepfather. He never ever hurt us. He didn't even drink much. He was just in control of everything and for some reason my mother was desperate around him. She'd hiss at me to stop annoying daddy, or that I'd done something to upset him. He, and his feelings, were the center of our universe.
I have spent my entire adult life picking partners based on the likelihood that I can control them and keep them around. Because my mother made it clear that there is no way they'd want to be around me and/or her. Men don't want to be around me/us.
My last "partner" was a homeless, unemployed alcoholic who I met at a bar. I tortured him with hidden agendas, unspoken demands and bitter resentments for just over two years. He couldn't escape me - he was too sick and helpless. I kicked him out in a storm of bitterness a few months ago.
I was right to do it and like a true codie I still feel guilty, and I miss him, and I'm glad he's gone, and I never want to see him again, and I spy on him all the time.
Sick. Just as sick as any alcoholic.