Alcoholism is an illness that is progressive, I think that is what you're saying, and you're beginning to realize the track that you are on. It sounds as if you are getting closer to insight/clarity with this. It is very difficult at first, I sometimes freak out about the notion that I think I will have to be sober for the rest of my life. But I just take it a day at a time and most days, it's no longer really a struggle, I don't really miss it as I once did. And I know my thoughts are overall much clearer/healthier.