Just when you think you have control,
..You realize you really dont!
I've made some mistakes these last few weeks. Been doing "good" but like others have mentioned, a glass of wine here, or a beer there never leads to good things. I have not had a binge... I have not blacked out... but any alcohol, for an alcoholic... is not a good thing.
I went a week... 7 days, without anything. Seems so short in general, but so long when you are dealing with an addiction issue. Then 5 days... then 3. Just wine... cause wine is good for you in small doses! right!?! And I'm young, and everyone my age drinks, right!
I don't think I am a moderate drinker. I think I am a moderate alcoholic. I dont drink a gallon of booze... I dont drink and drive... I dont do stupid things in public.
I've had no childhood trauma... have not lost any close relatives, I have multiple degrees, good health, parents still together, married to an AMAZING man, just a no-possible-other-explanation wonderful life!!
I have no excuse to drink and throw my life away!
So, although I am trying sooo hard to do this sober thing... I am scared I will never succeed. I am so EXTREAMLY happy when I am sober... Why would I still want to drink?? I go from KNOWING I can do this, to feeling like a lost little girl in just a day or two. Thinking "one or two" wont hurt... but it usually does, some way or another...
I think I struggle the most because I am not the "cookie cutter TV Drama" alcoholic. I use that as an out, and an excuse to have wine on weekends, or buy my husband beer, (which I usually finish)... But... Its not working anymore.
I want a healthy, happy life. And moderation... may not be an option for me...
ACTUALLY... I am starting to realize it is NOT an option for me.
I want to quit... completely.
Why can I quit so easily for breif amounts of time, just to return to the same freaking thing!?! I am scared to death, that at 27... I will have to fight this the rest of my life!!!
Feels like a never ending battle...
BUT....................................
I am worth the fight!! I want to better myself!! I want to be a fun fabulous woman!! I will beat this and although I know it will be a process, I will be successful!! It starts here and now... I'm 48 hours sober and will stay that way!!